Minding My Own Business

I know I have issues...plenti, plenti, but with God on my side I will sort them out. Issue no 1 the inability to mind my own business ah ah I must see, I must vex, I must talk, even that sensible spirit of reason that tries to butt in don tire sef.

So it was a cool evening and I was on my day home, trekked to the BRT park on Secretariat road as usual (na exercise o money dey)and then got on the bus to Yaba hoping for an uneventful journey home.

The bus as usual took its time to fill and then 3 girls come in together, the giggly...small brained sort who would have been blonde if they were Caucasian. They sit just in front of me and I sigh, I get a feeling my trip home will be filled with a bit of drama.

In a few minutes the three giggly pigs soon start chattering away, pure unadulterated meaningless talk (yes just before you judge me, I'm ageing in the worst possible way...I suffer from intolerance)so they begin to run their mouths and soon pass amongst them selves a bag of boiled groundnut each (good I thought that should keep them quiet for a while).

I settle down to a few moments of peace and quiet till I noticed something dropping on the floor. I feel a slow anger begin to build as I look in aghast at a member of the bimbo's obviously eating her groundnut in relish and dropping the shells on the bus floor.



I knew it I say to myself, bimbo with no sense, no respect, no decorum and no thought for cleanliness...I mean what was I to expect obviously it was ok to drop trash on the floor and have dogs clean up after you. I looked pointedly at her giving her my piercing evil look, which she didn't understand as she just shelled and flung away.

Finally I said what I wanted to say and she stopped...as usual all my words were uttered in my head and she only stopped when she was done...honest I should go for counselling.

Breaking News

It’s about 12noon, and the residents and workers of Boyle street Onikan Lagos, were glad they had generators in their offices and so couldn’t feel the heat of the midday sun, and so with the aid of a mechanical contraption, they didn’t have to sweat excessively.


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Although in the past few weeks, the nations provider of that very scarce commodity—‘electricity’ had provided epileptic service but with sudden bursts shocking long hours, (we suspect they may have fallen asleep or had been bribed at these moments) we hear they have gone on summer vacation to the Bahamas or some exotic Island where they will no doubt enjoy the fruits of their labour (I mean all the monies from connecting back lines has to be spent someday).


So on this hot day about 12pm, (we have mentioned this haven’t we) our top agent that female of incomparable beauty, that genius whom Einstein would have envied, that defender of the masses, that upholder of justice, that deep thinker of thoughts unknown; agent 90210 aka Fifi, was out on a secret mission.


On her way to this very important mission, she was called to spy on bags which a seller form Iraq had just brought into the country. These bags had the potential to hide shoulder held blast guns (whatever those might be).


Suddenly Fifi spots some men in pinkish-purplish shirts and black trousers walking about and deflating tyres, and just when they were about to walk up to her mini parakeet aka the fifi van, she gives the stance of peace and goes into fight mode.
Yes I know you’re probably wondering what this is all about yeh!

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So it’s about 12noon on Boyle street Onikan and men of the task force in purple and black trousers are seen with a tow truck lurking around with a bunch of policemen for support. Soon they form two groups and from both sides of the street they begin to deflate tyres.


I’m wondering what’s going on when a policeman walks up to the car I’m leaning on and asks that it be removed. Soon the word goes round and people begin to leave their offices to find out what exactly is going on. In less than 5 minutes there’s confusion when car owners realise their tyres have been deflated and for what; tax hadn’t been paid for the car park.


Now was this a proper car park, nope it was just space which had been converted into a parking lot because there wasn’t enough parking space in the various buildings along the street. Was it obstructing traffic? Nope it was well away from the road.
So before I could blink a whole bunch of lawyers were out on the street screaming blue murder (you bet these revenue collectors/tax invaders/thieves in uniform didn’t know they would be dealing with a whole bunch of people who would be quoting and counter quoting).


Well I loved every bit of the scene as it unfolded from the punch throwing to the screaming to the tax collectors realizing they had just backed up the wrong alley. It’s amazing how Nigerians will suddenly all human right activists when a bunch of them are together and they are been victimised.

BRT Injustice

As ususal I got on my favourite mode of transportation (at least it will be my favourite until I get my metallic blue drop top Mercedes Benz C class with my customized plates)and as usual I got to it on that two wheeled dangerously driven contraption driven by a greater majority of Malo's althought today I was lucky to get a driver of the Nah variety.

So I got to my favourite mode of transportation the BRT (the red A/ced variety) looking forward to a comfrotably seated air conditioned ride to Obalende. Hm of all the unlucky things that could happen on a bright sunny day,when I was in a good mood too this bus took off and I expecting to hear the heavenly sound that A/c's make when they are on only heard silence.

Hellllllllllooooo why wasnt the a/c on and why was the driver not saying anything, I elongate my neck to see if his window is open and amazingly it is. What and my fellow Nigerian citizens on the bus were not saying a word. Ok my neighbour kept on muttering under his breathe loud enough for my all hearing ears to catch none the less why the a/c wasnt turned on. Why indeed but did he say it out loud...No, did these industrious Nigerians on their way to seek wealth say a word...no...did they open the windows...no they must have felt and imaginary cooling effect I certainly did not feel.

After stewing in my seat and calling all those who were in the bus MUMU's, DUMMY'S, COWARD's and the reason why everything goes wrong in this country for not asking the driver why he didnt turn on the a/c I vowed I would ask the driver...posing as a daughter of one of the Lagbus managers why he didnt turn on the a/c...threaten to have him reported...write down the number of the bus as I got down...and then stroll happily to work (tongue in cheek) victory at last...I'm definitely not a mumu.

So we get to Obalende...I get off my seat determinedly, beginning to stew all over again at the injustice of not getting the full worth of my N100 ride. Good Im almost the last to disembark and I get close to the driver...so why didnt you turn on the a/c I asked...



I finally disembark with a slight frown on my appenged to my fore head...mulling over the reason that was racing through my head.

Just maybe his cooling system was faulty...just maybe what happened was definitely a technical problem...I guess I'm just a Mumu like everybody else on that bus...because I didnt have the liver to ask...of all stupid reasons not to ask...what if the driver was rude and threw me off the bus...Lol gosh I'm a Coward.

My Past My Future

Dear Lord,

Please, please forgive Me for all the things Ive done, I know I haven't been exactly amazing or outstanding when it comes to doing the things I ought to have done, but now I realize all these and ask for your forgiveness especially now that I need a favour.

Well I know you know what I want since You're all seeing and all knowing so I'll code my request knowing You dear Lord understand perfectly what I need.



I humbly request that the lil bambino you've given enters the world strong and healthy and beautifully formed with all senses intact and his thinking faculty superb. Ok lord I know half the world most likely knows what my request is but I seriously need this request granted so that my past doesn't affect my future and my belief becomes strengthened thrice as much as it was before.

Thank you for listening.

Hummingbirds

Okay I know a hummingbird is a bird not even found in Africa, but this morning there I was minding my own business doing my own thing and slam it just popped right into my thoughts how WE might not be Hummingbirds literally but figuratively we do something they do.

So I'll tell a little story about what Ive observed about Nigerians, when it comes to how daft and incompetent our Government is. We have 3 groups of Nigerians, the screamers (the Niger delta advocates), the back benchers (those who don't give a flying f&%ck and who don't care if the shits thrown helter-skelter as long as they don't smell or are touched by it), and finally the hummingbirds ( moi and a whole lot of people who murmur, curse and stamp our feet all in private of course and talk mostly under our breathe and think 'hell its not as if I can do anything about the situation').

So we the poor Nigerian Hummingbirds who sometimes are filled with so much hope for an improved, brighter tomorrow, also look in disgust and become quickly disillusioned when we see something as simple as deliberate flaunting of traffic rules, then we once again fall into the very pits of depression and the utmost conviction that there can be no hope.


I ask myself why we are such an active group of back benchers, whether we are Niger delta activists, screamers or hummingbirds. Why do we have the innate ability to take things as they come, which can be oh so annoying. Yeah it took centuries for America, Great Britain and other developed countries to attain the level of development and orderliness they have today, but in this day and age when our progress should be faster because we have the great advantage to copy must we attempt to give the same excuse?